Post by Svetlana Romanov on Nov 17, 2008 17:24:46 GMT -5
never never land...
I wish I could go there sometimes...just to get away from everything for a little while. It's hard, trying to keep my head on straight and not end up falling apart in front of everyone.
but anyways...our new roomie seems pretty cool :] she's pretty quiet, but it is nice to have someone who sort of evens us out. i'm glad the other girls accepted her :] plus...i love her hair >.> seriously-unique and pretty! I should ask her to model for my mom...she's always looking for damn models, especially since i'm not always that willing to walk down a runway for her half naked....
to update on a few things, krissie, my darling kit kat, is as usual doing just fine and dandy with rob. so nothing really nw to report there. as for mandy, i haven't talked to her a ot lately...i should though. she's seemed a little off. i just haven't had the time. i've been so busy with tutoring (i keep forgetting i need to quit that god-forsaken job! it isn't like i need the money!) and concentrate on my big art project for mister barkume. he wants me to cook something up good so he could present it to the art society of new york city and hopefully get me a good scholarship. it isn't like i need the scholarship but still...
i'm really not used to all this money.
i'm still used to being tight on cash and working hard for that money. my mother already knows i don't like just being handed things. i like working for it. call it pride or whatever but i still like it.
anyways, i managed to convince my mom to let me book a flight back to russia for the summer, maybe sooner. but if i go sooner i'll only be going for a week-no more and no less. i'd have to see how things turn out. i don't want to miss too much work and not be able to catch up. having a perfect gpa is what keeps my mother smiling so i plan on keeping it. but going back home might be what i need right now. it feels odd, almost surreal, being here in my room in the dorm just writing. like i'm living someone else's life and not my own. i used to be so wild and a party freak and would drink hard liquor like it was water and smoke like a chimney. now it is like i lost that spark...not that i want it back...but...
i guess i'm still not over it. i know i should tell someone-anyone-about it...but everytime i try the words don't come out and they feel like they are stuck in my throat. like my lips are forming the words but there is no sound coming out, just air. i don't know what i'm afraid of...scratch that. i do know why i can't tell even my best friend...
i'm afraid of what they would think...it isn't everyday someone tells you they feel like they were the reason their father committed suicide. and that because of said suicide, their mother remarried to some rich buffoon and had to pack everything up and ship themselves over to America to basically start all over...to forget about her father, her mother's husband and the love of her life. the man she refuses to speak about because it still hurts her just as much as it hurts her daughter...
i know it hurts my mother everytime i say or do something that reminds her of my father. my father was a good man. he never cheated on her, was loyal and sweet and he had honor...but after he came back form the war he seemed so different. so much more paler and almost sick looking. and i felt horrible. if i hadn't been born he wouldn't have had to go to war just to get enough money to keep the farm, he wouldn't have had to work so hard to support me and my mother and my mother's dream to become a fashion designer. if only i hadn't walked in on him that day...he wouldn't have shot himself in the pickup...he would still be here...we would still be in russia...we would still be a happy family...even if we would be poor. we would be happier than my mother is right now. i know she loves that stupid american man, but her eyes don't sparkle like they did for my father.
it seems money really does buy love.
and sometimes i wish i could fly to my never never land- back home to russia. and find daddy sitting on the porch with a huge grin on his face just waiting for me to race over to him so he could ask me how school was...
but peter pan won't come and fly me there. he doesn't seem to like me much....if at all.
svetlana romanov
I wish I could go there sometimes...just to get away from everything for a little while. It's hard, trying to keep my head on straight and not end up falling apart in front of everyone.
but anyways...our new roomie seems pretty cool :] she's pretty quiet, but it is nice to have someone who sort of evens us out. i'm glad the other girls accepted her :] plus...i love her hair >.> seriously-unique and pretty! I should ask her to model for my mom...she's always looking for damn models, especially since i'm not always that willing to walk down a runway for her half naked....
to update on a few things, krissie, my darling kit kat, is as usual doing just fine and dandy with rob. so nothing really nw to report there. as for mandy, i haven't talked to her a ot lately...i should though. she's seemed a little off. i just haven't had the time. i've been so busy with tutoring (i keep forgetting i need to quit that god-forsaken job! it isn't like i need the money!) and concentrate on my big art project for mister barkume. he wants me to cook something up good so he could present it to the art society of new york city and hopefully get me a good scholarship. it isn't like i need the scholarship but still...
i'm really not used to all this money.
i'm still used to being tight on cash and working hard for that money. my mother already knows i don't like just being handed things. i like working for it. call it pride or whatever but i still like it.
anyways, i managed to convince my mom to let me book a flight back to russia for the summer, maybe sooner. but if i go sooner i'll only be going for a week-no more and no less. i'd have to see how things turn out. i don't want to miss too much work and not be able to catch up. having a perfect gpa is what keeps my mother smiling so i plan on keeping it. but going back home might be what i need right now. it feels odd, almost surreal, being here in my room in the dorm just writing. like i'm living someone else's life and not my own. i used to be so wild and a party freak and would drink hard liquor like it was water and smoke like a chimney. now it is like i lost that spark...not that i want it back...but...
i guess i'm still not over it. i know i should tell someone-anyone-about it...but everytime i try the words don't come out and they feel like they are stuck in my throat. like my lips are forming the words but there is no sound coming out, just air. i don't know what i'm afraid of...scratch that. i do know why i can't tell even my best friend...
i'm afraid of what they would think...it isn't everyday someone tells you they feel like they were the reason their father committed suicide. and that because of said suicide, their mother remarried to some rich buffoon and had to pack everything up and ship themselves over to America to basically start all over...to forget about her father, her mother's husband and the love of her life. the man she refuses to speak about because it still hurts her just as much as it hurts her daughter...
i know it hurts my mother everytime i say or do something that reminds her of my father. my father was a good man. he never cheated on her, was loyal and sweet and he had honor...but after he came back form the war he seemed so different. so much more paler and almost sick looking. and i felt horrible. if i hadn't been born he wouldn't have had to go to war just to get enough money to keep the farm, he wouldn't have had to work so hard to support me and my mother and my mother's dream to become a fashion designer. if only i hadn't walked in on him that day...he wouldn't have shot himself in the pickup...he would still be here...we would still be in russia...we would still be a happy family...even if we would be poor. we would be happier than my mother is right now. i know she loves that stupid american man, but her eyes don't sparkle like they did for my father.
it seems money really does buy love.
and sometimes i wish i could fly to my never never land- back home to russia. and find daddy sitting on the porch with a huge grin on his face just waiting for me to race over to him so he could ask me how school was...
but peter pan won't come and fly me there. he doesn't seem to like me much....if at all.
svetlana romanov
